Legacy
As the sun melted down into the desert floor, Jason felt a sense of calm take over the panic that had dominated his thoughts for the past few hours. They had called for back–up many times with no avail. The air strike that was scheduled to start an hour ago had yet to arrive. The ammunition was beginning to run low. The outcome was looking grim. As he shot the last rounds of his weapon, instead of feeling panicked, he felt relaxed. He thought of home and how it had been eight months since he stood on American soil. He missed the food and his bed at home. He thought of Beth, his wife and his little boy, Nathan, and how at every chance he got, he told people that his daddy was serving in the war. He thought of how he was supposed to fly home three weeks ago, but they hadn't sent him yet.
He shot the last round and laid the gun at his side. He walked to a nearby bush and relieved himself before lighting up a cigarette and planting himself on the ground. He had a slight smirk on his face as he made himself comfortable on the warm sand. It was just past 7 in the evening but it was still over a hundred degrees. He was surrendering to all the events that were beyond his control, something that did not come easily to him. He was trained to act differently in combat, to never leave a man behind, and never, under any circumstance surrender. But they had already lost five men in this firefight. There wasn't much he could do now, he just had to wait. Death was upon him, he knew it. Instead of feeling a sense of panic or dread, he was at peace. As the grenade landed at this side, the only thing he could think was that he hoped he served his country well and made his family proud.
In a different land, there was a sense of excitement and restlessness; a grand sort of commotion. The preparations for the soldiers returning home were being made. American flags were being raised all around and yellow ribbons were tied to every tree. While there was dread in the pits of their stomachs for the loss and the suffering, they were also excited to be reunited with their loved ones.
In the corner a man was sitting in quiet contemplation. His name was Benjamin Carter. He was once Captain Carter years before. He had seen this type of homecoming too many times, and he didn't see any reason to get so eager about it. After the initial excitement, normal life ensues until another wave of troops return. That could be years, even decades before they would again. But deep in his soul, something was telling him that this time was different.
It had been some time since he let his thoughts wander to his son. He tried to keep that part of his memory buried deep in his quiet heart, but not in his head. Jason had been just a couple days past his fifth birthday the first time Ben went away. It was painful to think of that day. He kissed his lovely wife, Nora, and gave his son a high five and told him to take care of his mom while he was away. Jason was too young to understand all the consequences of the events that were unfolding. He looked sad to say goodbye but wasn't weighted down with the "what if's". Benjamin thought how he was the one that felt like a toddler being abandoned, stripped of home and comfort and even love. As the years passed, every time Ben had to leave seemed to get a little easier. He seemed to feel more at home in the company of his soldiers. Home with Beth and Jason was too different; he didn't feel like he belonged there.
Because of his duty in the service, he only remembered brief glimpses of his son's childhood. Jason had won a spelling bee in 1st grade, started to play soccer in 3rd. By the time he reached middle school, he was a track and field athlete and an honor student. When Ben would return home to the states, he was always amazed at how much Jason had grown. It came and went so fast. Nora tried to keep him updated. While he was in country, she would send him weekly letters and after his return, she came to visit him every month. She would tell him about Jason going to his Senior Prom with a lovely girl named Beth and his graduation from high school. As the years past, Nora still came every month. She told him of Jason's wedding and how her heart ached for him to be there and see how their little boy had grown into a man.
The despair that Ben felt when Nora came and cried for hours and told of how Jason wanted to follow in his father's footsteps and enlist was unspeakable. Jason enlisted in the Army and was almost through when the war broke out. Jason and Beth were expecting their first child the month after Jason was deployed. Nora had come just the other day and told Ben of how beautiful the baby was and how worried she was that it was a boy. She told Ben she was afraid for what fate had for Nathan. He was destined to continue the cycle of the men in the family, feeling the need to follow the ones that came before.
There were times when Nora was kicking and screaming about how Ben had started this legacy that was a curse on their family. The pounding resonated in Ben's mind even now. If it weren't for Ben, their lives would be different, she would say. But he had a sense of duty to his country and to his family; he wanted to do something important in his life. Nora wanted to have more children, but there just wasn't time and Ben didn't want to leave her at home alone with a toddler and a baby. He always told her that it wasn't because he didn't love her; he hoped that even in her rages, she remembered that.
After the birth of Nathan and Jason's deployment, Beth moved in with Nora to help save money and their sanity. The women spent hours talking about how they were coping with their husbands being soldiers. Nora told Ben how thankful she was that she had Beth to comfort her when the grief took over. Ben's heart ached to hear this. He wanted to be the one to comfort her, to hold her, and to change the things that had happened in the past. But he couldn't. He was in a different place now, it even felt like a different time.
So many things happened in a month, he could hardly stand waiting for Nora to come and tell him news of his family. He hoped that she would be in a good mood; maybe even have a recent letter from Jason to read to him as she often did. He hated the times when she came with tears in her eyes and blubbered through the visit. He could feel the tears drop from above and seep into his veins carrying the sadness that he tried so hard to fight.
From out of the corner of his eye, he saw a friend nearing. His name was Ken Marchand, he was a good friend and soldier. They looked out for each other.
"Hello, Ben, looking forward to the homecoming? Everyone seems so excited, but do they realize what it really means?"
Without looking up Ben said, "They are just happy to see their sons and grandsons, no harm in that."
"Yeah, but they are coming home to us, not to their wives and children. We may feel lucky and happy, but we should feel sorry for them. And if not them, the ones they left behind."
Ben nodded in agreement. "When was the last time Wendy came to visit you, Ken, your son going to be in this lot?"
"Not sure, yours?"
"I have a dark feeling that he just may be." Ben paused to listen. "Can you hear that? It's the rifles, they will be here shortly. How do I look?" The rifles seemed to go on forever. The resonating sound of twenty–one rifles shooting simultaneously was deafening. The men paused for a moment of silence in honor of the soldier's lives.
"As good as you did the day you arrived, you haven't aged a bit".
Ben looked down at his uniform--the same uniformed he had worn everyday for an uncountable number of years. He brushed off the patches and straightened the medals. A part of him wanted to see Jason, tell him how proud of him he was, but part of him wanted him to be safe and sound, home with his wife and son. He couldn't stand to think of Nora having to cope with another tragedy.
He walked grudgingly to his bunk. The smell of warm, wet earth filled his nostrils. He didn't think he would ever get used to the smell. The dark rich soil around him seemed fresh, but yet it smelled like decay and mildew. The smell was overwhelming; he sat on his bunk and put his head in his hands. He was overcome by the devastating thought that his son would be in the batch of new soldiers coming to join them for all eternity.
One part of him couldn't wait to hear about what was new in the world above and how the decades had shaped the world. Technology was sure to be different, friends and foes realigned. Ben wondered how Jason felt about the cause that he was fighting for; whether he believed in that cause. Ben often thought about whether he would do it all over if he had the chance, he often thought he would. Then Nora would come and cry about how he was taken from her too early and she wished that she had more time with him, and he would regret all the time he spent away from her. He would feel that way until another group of soldiers were lowered to join them and he thought that he made the right choice and he was part of a brotherhood; a different kind of family. A family of pride and honor.
Just as he was beginning to feel better, he heard the soft footsteps of Nora above. She stopped and kneeled with a surrendering thud and began to cry.
"Ben, darling, I am afraid the worst has happened" she said between sobs.
He wanted so badly to hold her and comfort her. Tell her that he was there with her. Long ago he gave up trying to yell back at her, to make her hear him. The new soldiers always tried to yell at their loved ones, until one day they finally just gave up. He knew what the worst was. As the thoughts began to form ideas and pictures in his mind, Nora said "Jason was killed in the war two days ago; I couldn't bring myself to come any sooner to break the news to you. He will be okay, Ben, he's in a better place, safe from harm, surrounded by love and memory. He will be here shortly; I am having him set to rest next to you." Ben knew this was very hard on her. He didn't want to hear anymore, he wanted to cover his ears and disappear, he couldn't listen, but yet he did. She took a deep breath and when she started again her tone had changed.
"I hope you are proud of him, following in his father's footsteps, it's what he always wanted to do. He did it, though, didn't he? Just like his father, left his darling wife to raise a child on her own, a child left without a father, and no doubt a child that will only feel honorable if he serves like his father and grandfather before him" Nora said scathingly.
She had to say it, he knew she wasn't blaming him, but he still felt shame. He didn't want his family to turn out this way. He never told Jason that he had to grow up to be just like him. He wanted to tell her that he hadn't meant for their lives to turn out this way. He just wanted to be honorable and make a good living to raise his family and to provide for her and Jason. He never meant for her to be alone. He never meant for it to be a silent legacy that would ruin their family for generations.
"Ben, I miss you so much, I love you and always have. I have to go say goodbye to our son." And she was gone. She still had tears running down her cheeks. Ben was miserable. He wanted to run after her (something else that he had tried before, something they had all tried before) but he couldn't escape his musty, confining dungeon. He was banished to darkness without any possibility of escape.
Everyone around him was getting ready for the homecoming, for the soldiers that were coming, but he hadn't wanted it this way. He wished he could tell Nora that Jason was safe now, that he would look after him from now on. And that the two of them would never be far away from her and that they'd never stop listening.
As the soldiers were lowered into their new world, the older soldiers gave sighs of relief. Some were relieved that their sons were not in this lot, others were relieved to see that they were. The soldiers were given a hero's welcome and a salute of pride. Great grandfathers, grandfathers, and fathers were reunited with their great grandsons, grandsons, and sons. Ben felt uneasy and stood near the back. He wanted to disbelieve his own eyes and what Nora had told him earlier, but there wasn't a doubt that his son was standing there. Jason was in full uniform looking like a grown man. The war had changed him, taken away his innocence and naivety. He now looked like a man that understood too much, a man who had seen too much. But he was still Ben's son, Ben's little boy. He stepped forward and saluted his son, he had never been more proud of him until this moment.
Though his war was against a different enemy, in a different time and a different place, the outcome was still the same. They sat up for most of the night swapping stories of battle, anger, and travel. In the morning they had promised to teach the new soldiers the lay of the land and the rules of engagement in their new home.
After quiet had fallen, Ben sat by his bed and prayed that a war would not breakout in his grandson's time. Ben knew he couldn't keep Nathan from wanting to follow the legacy set before him by his grandfather and father, but he thought if he could stop a war, there was a chance that Nathan would not be joining them.
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AUTHOR NOTES:
I am a senior English Literature and Writing student. Outside of school, my activities include interning at Literary Arts, being a reader with the SMART Program, rowing on the Marylhurst Sweep Rowing Team, and relaxing with my supportive boyfriend, friends, family, and dog, Zach. My creative interests are in both writing and visual art. My future goal is to pursue my MFA in Creative Writing while continuing to work on various art projects.
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