m review — social commentary & satire — options
Options
by Brianna Newby
You're in a room, white walls, bed in the corner, nightstand next to it. You are half naked, cold, and the room is spinning as if you're drunk. You are lying under a fleece blanket, your bottom half covered only by a paper gown. A poster is on the wall, pictures of kids and moms, with the question, "Are you sure you've thought about your options?"
Did you start to think about your options when you questioned being pregnant? Telling your sister, "I think I might be." Then she reassures you, "It's probably stress."
Or was it later when you took the test, confirmation of what you already knew, something you hoped wasn't true.
You didn't think about your options when you cried telling your Mom. Knowing that she thinks you should keep it, while you know what you want to do. Is it then that you question whether your morals are wrong? How does the decision seem obvious and right to you, but so wrong to everyone else? Then the guy responsible, his only concern is making sure that you take care of it. As if it is his life, his body, his meaning. As if this in any way affects who he is or what he feels. Then he tells you, "I'll help you out." As if money will make everything ok?
Questioning what you are doing in your life. Maybe you're on the wrong path; maybe this is your one chance to have a baby? Should you just give up school, give up everything you have ever wanted?
Give it all up and be bitter towards a child who didn't or doesn't deserve the bitterness or pain. A child who in turn would be bitter in return because you could never give them what they wanted.
And if you give up the baby for adoption, how would that child feel when it finds out his/her mom didn't want them? Always wondering, "Why wasn't I worth it? Why aren't I worth loving?"
Everyone says they will support you, but you read in the back of their minds their judgments. "It's not what I would do, but do what is right for you." They all tell you. Then they say they will help you out. Are they capable of giving me the help that I need?
But no, I didn't consider all of my options, thanks for asking.
After the procedure, it's over. An overwhelming sense of relief. Your body is yours again. But inside you feel a sense of isolation, as if nobody understands you and you are incapable of being who you used to be. As of now, you are immoral, incapable of feeling.
The mix of not knowing who you are quite yet, then knowing even less. Every idea of who you thought you were, you now question.
You want to cry everyday, sometimes for a reason, sometimes for no reason at all. You know what you did was right at the time, so how can you feel so wrong inside?
Slowly, very slowly, you start to recognize glimpses of yourself. Is it possible for you to be the same person you were before?
You never forget and never will. The recognition brings it back somehow, makes it real again. Makes you feel alive again.
You still wonder, what would he/she look like? Would they be like me?
And then the date comes, on the day you would be a Mom, but you're not. You can accept it now. You survived. You have grown.
You look back on your life and see how much you have changed. How the things that used to be important, no longer are as important. You are mad at yourself for letting yourself go that far, care that little. How could you let something so violating happen to you and your body?
You think that this was probably the most pain you have felt in your life. Although the physical pain will never compare to the emotional hell you went through. Knowing that nobody will ever completely understand what you went through. At times what you still go through.
How, even now, when you look back on it, it makes you sad. You still don't regret the decision you made, because it was right at the time.
Life and the world go on without a blink. Millions of women have done it, you wonder if their experience was the same? If they walk around and question who they are, too? You wonder if this is something that you will ever get over? You wonder if the guy will ever think about you or his would have been child again? How after he said he would help you out, he disappeared. Then he called you and hung up. Did he call because he gave a shit? Maybe he just wanted a booty call? You'll never know, and in all reality, it doesn't really matter. He now has no affect on your life or feelings.
Brianna Newby of Portland, Oregon
Brianna Newby graduated from Marylhurst University in June of 2006, with her Bachelor's in English Literature and Writing, focus on Creative Writing. She hopes to pursue a career in freelance writing.
